Why I Have No Girlfriend (Yet)

“Why you no have girlfriend yet?”

This is the second most popular question that I get asked every time I have to deal with some distant relatives or when they have to deal with me. The most popular one (of course) being: “Why you no married yet?

Of course, to save my mother’s face (to not embarrass my mother), I would have to come up with generic half truths (a.k.a blatant lies) like: “Oh, I’m still searching for the right one!” or “Oh, I wanna earn more money first before I look into serious relationship!” or even “Oh, I was seeing someone, but I ditched her because she is not good enough!

To be honest, I can’t really tell for sure why I am still single today. But I am having a rather frustrating week at work, and writing a bunch of crap is one of my ways to release steam, so here I am writing another piece for the “Why I…” series to further embarrass myself because I think people love to read embarrassing things about other people.


I shall attempt to break down to a few reasons as to why I do not have a girlfriend (yet).

My Past Relationship

Not many people know this (not even my family), but I used to be in a serious relationship when I was a college kid. Many people asked me whether Love Story is something real or fictional. It is 80% fact and 20% sensationalized cheesy scenes, but otherwise yes, it is a real life story. We were together for 2 years give or take a bit, and then on a LDR for a few months before we ended things on a friendly note. And then an incident happened that would ensure that we can never get back together ever again even if I had wanted to.

That incident changed me. Something happened between us shortly before the incident. I cannot help but feel that I was indirectly a cause for that incident to happen. For more than two years, I felt a crushing guilt within me. I was very sad and I did not want to be around people, especially people who keep telling me to cheer up when I did not want to cheer up at all. For two years I kept minimal contact with my friends, not wanting to deal with their worry and their advice. For two years, I was insufferable. Of course that also meant I did not try to meet new people (new girls).

It took two years for me to slowly get out of my self-imposed social exile. People say time will heal emotional wounds. I think those people are people who have not yet experienced loss in serious relationships a.k.a love. If you know what you are talking about, you would not say that time heals. Time does not heal an emotional wound. What time does is give you enough practice to numb out the wound and get on with life while carrying that wound.

Anyway, I started to interact with people again after almost two years. Then I started to take note of girls again. The problem was, I kept comparing all the girls with her, and all of them came up short. I don’t mean to say all the girls out there are crap, what I mean is that I was very compatible with her, and we complemented each other perfectly. Maybe I am being unnecessarily stubborn trying to look for similar characteristics in other girls, but no two persons are ever the same, so (naturally) I could not find any.

I did try to pursue a girl actually. In fact I persisted for two years, but nothing happened and she is now happily married to someone else. I think she didn’t like me enough to agree to be my girlfriend, but I also think that I probably did not like her as much as I should because she was different compared to her, so I did not invest as much emotions as I should have, and she could probably feel it.

I’m trying to condition my mind to really move on from this comparison thing, but I don’t think I am doing a very good job because I have not completely purged that mindset even today. That’s why I’m not even actively trying to look for a girlfriend. I believe I need to set myself straight first.

I’m Fine Being Alone

I guess this is a byproduct of the reason above. I spent too much time isolating myself that I have already gotten used to it. I am perfectly comfortable being alone. I sometimes go to lunch/dinner alone, I sometimes go to the movies alone, I sometimes go to Starbucks alone and tuck myself away in a quiet corner, and I feel absolutely zero awkwardness like how most people do. I was not like this 5 years ago, but I am like this now.

Sometimes I feel like I really need to get a grip and really go get myself a girlfriend soon, but at the same time, I am worried at the prospect of actually having a girlfriend. I have become a man of few words, a man who is very comfortable not talking, and I am worried that I have to constantly maintain a chatter with a girl. After all, when you ask most girls what they want to find in a man, it is mostly “must have a good sense of humor, must make me laugh at all times“. Hearing this statement sometimes gives me cold sweat.

I’m Too Lazy

Every time I go home, my mom (and sometimes sister) would launch into a barrage of comments on how horrible I look. I don’t pay attention to what I wear, I don’t shave, I don’t style my hair, and to make matters worse, I am too fat. Mom is always concerned that I would never be able to attract any girls the way I am.

You know what? I actually agree with her. In fact, when I saw this in The Oatmeal, I thought that it is a very good depiction of me.

blerch
Yeah, this is me……      Source: The Oatmeal

I know I should pay more attention on my appearance. I know I should pay more attention on my wardrobe. And I know I must get rid of my tummy and lose weight. I know I must put in more effort to at least look not horrible.

But I am too lazy for these. Again, because I don’t think I am actively looking for a girlfriend, I don’t think I need to do all these. Why spend extra money buying expensive and trendy clothes when most of them are not really comfortable to wear? Why spend even more money buying expensive hair products and visiting the salon frequently when I can get a simple haircut at a much cheaper price? And most importantly, why subject myself to a rigorous diet plan when I take much pleasure in eating bacon?

I know it is wrong to think “I will groom myself better when I find the girl that I want to impress” because it will be too late to do so by then, but I think that anyway, especially whenever I want to try to make myself work harder on my appearances. So, the way I am right now, I am not actively looking for a girlfriend, but girls will probably not want me to look at them either.

My Workload

I used to spend too much time working. I stayed in the office till late night, and I go back to work over the weekends. I had no life.

Today, I don’t spend as much time in the office, but I am still hard at work. I get home and continue working on my own side projects of blogging and freelancing and writing my book. None of these are small apples by any means. I spend my weekends grocery shopping, sometimes catch a movie or have lunch with friends, and then I would be cooped up at home continue working on my side projects.

This is another reason why I am not so eager to look for a relationship to jump into. I need to stay focused with the things I am working on until I am satisfied enough to take a back seat, and a girlfriend would be the ultimate distraction to all these.

I mean, if I get a girlfriend and refuse to let her be my distraction, you know all hell would break loose, right? Worst case, she would quickly ditch me for not loving her enough to sacrifice my work time, and then I would be heart broken for many months again and not be productive. So, better to prevent this potential lack of productivity if I can help it.


There’s probably a few more reasons, but these are all that I can think of at the moment. My mom actually hopes that I would be getting married soon at my age, so she is quite pissed off that I don’t even have a girlfriend to show. She always threatens me with words like: “你是要等到我死了也不给我抱孙是不是?! (You planning to see me die without giving me opportunity to hold my grandson, is it?!)”, so she must not read this piece. Fortunately, I don’t think she will. She only reads my cooking posts because there are food pictures, she doesn’t read all words posts, I think…

Anyway, after reading all these crap about me, you probably think that I am an absolute nutcase and that I seriously need help. Sometimes, I think so too, but I am too lazy to do that…

38 Comments

  1. With my apetitie, it was very difficult to find a partner, but I did it 🙂 soooooo no worries mate! You will find your second half soon :-).

  2. Why you liddis? If you keep comparing other girls to her, you’ll forever be living your life in her shadow. Not fair to others leh… Sobs.

  3. That “Why no girlfriend boyfriend” and “When are you getting married” questions are certainly annoying. Society generally thinks that two is better than one – and more so in Asian cultures since even numbers and “double” is considered auspicious. It’s as if being single is something to be embarrassed about, which really shouldn’t be the case…and that’s why I was a bit disappointed at your title 🙂

    I suppose when the right person comes along, she’ll like you for who you are regardless of how you look. And you really don’t need to be a chatterbox to be a humorous guy. It’s all about saying the words at the correct time, having comedic timing which is felt through intuition.

    Love happens when it happens, and personally I reckon it can’t be forced. Sure, going out, meeting people and being social can increase your chances of finding a partner but ultimately fate plays a part. Also, as Lindsey Stirling has said along the lines of: in order to love others, we have to have the courage to love ourselves first.

    Also, I like being alone with me, myself and I. Eating alone, looking at things alone, you name it. Then again, I’m an introvert.

    I really applaud you for putting your heart out here and being honest with your personal life – for all to judge. It’s something I have sworn never to do and talk about on my blog, but I suppose if people have read it long enough and follow me on my other social media channels, it’s not hard to tell. For the record I am straight but people have thought otherwise.

    • I’m not so sure about the “two is better than one” thing. At least as far as my mom is concerned, the only reason she wants me to be in a relationship is so that I can get married and give her grandchildren! 😀

      Maybe it is because I am not famous enough to worry about what I can or cannot write. As it is now, this is my blog so I can write whatever I want, including what I really think. If I piss people off, so be it. Maybe some time in the future if I become a famous public figure and got burned for being blunt then we’ll see.

      Hey, I’m an introvert too, I think we can be good friends! 😀

  4. You will meet ‘the one’ when you least expect it. Love is something you can’t force.

    My husband and I were dining at a restaurant awhile ago and there was a couple at the next table who were obviously set up. They hardly spoke to each other and the two women [their moms maybe?] at the table on the other side kept telling them to talk to each other. I have no idea who they were but even I felt uncomfortable for them.

    • I’m never comfortable with being set up either. I would never be able to talk like normal if I know it is a set up meeting. I remember there was once when I was interested with a girl, but turned out she was a friend of some of my friends, and they start trying to do things to help me out but it made me and the girl back away from each other at 100 miles an hour.

    • Because I was frustrated and I was writing without thinking/planning. It happens. Hope you enjoyed reading me embarrassing myself. 😉

  5. No worries.. my sons also dont have girlfriends yet! Though I am “pressuring” them now and then, they dont take notice of me.. so now I sort of used to it.. no girlfriend, then I enjoy more “privileges” now.. hehehee… give me more money to go for traveling and makan! hahahaa…

    • My mom used to warn me against getting a Penangite girl because she wants me to move back to KL after my Penang adventure. Now she says: “Aiya, get a Penang girlfriend, get a Penang girlfriend! Just make sure you remember to come home for CNY every year!” 😐

  6. Wow, such an honest post to put your thoughts out there! I have some thoughts:

    1) I’m very interested to know what happened in the love story and what the incident is. If you ever finish your book, you can be sure that you’ll have one reader! I’m really sorry to hear about it though. I can relate to being in a relationship where you got along with the person so well that you’re constantly comparing the subsequent relationships. I learned that comparison is definitely not the way to go though. D and I complete opposites and at first, I bemoaned the fact that we didn’t have so much in common, but now, I like that we are able to bring new things and points of view into the relationship.

    2) I think one part of a good relationship is also whether you can be with another person in silence and still be comfortable. So don’t worry! You won’t be asked to talk and make her laugh all the time if you find the right one!

    3) Shouldn’t a girl like you for yourself? 😛 And as long as you don’t pick a materialistic girl, she shouldn’t care if your clothes aren’t expensive and if you don’t go to the fancy salon! Would you even want a girl who thinks those are important things?

    • 1) The book is 40% complete now. I am not going to sell it, I need to figure out all those copyrights and ISBN crap, but I am going to give it out for free, so you should be able to read it when it’s ready. Sometimes you don’t need to be similar to be compatible. Being totally opposite is a form of compatibility too, as long as that difference is what makes you click. 🙂

      2) It’s fine to be in silence when you are in a relationship I guess, but when you are trying to get him/her to be your boyfriend/girlfriend, during the courtship, wouldn’t you need to talk? That’s how it works here most of the time. I would be able to debunk my own theory if and when the right person appears.

      3) I don’t know, I have not come across any girls who would not at least want some form of financial security from the man (which they will gauge from how much money he spends on himself to be presentable), which is why I sometimes think I need to get out of this country and look elsewhere, settle down elsewhere. Of course, like I said, I have not been actively looking for girls, so my sample size is pathetically small. I might be just a stereotyping asshole who is wildly off the mark here 😀 .

      3)

  7. So you are still an eligible bachelor 🙂 You know, I believe in fate. When the time comes, somehow you will meet that special someone. And just be yourself, there is no need to change how you look (unless if you want to) to please other people. Enjoy your life, there are advantages of being single. You can make decisions or do what you like without having to consider what the other person thinks or react. And when you meet your soulmate, I am sure you will naturally be able to keep the conversation going. And hey, you do a good sense of humour 😀

  8. I like reading this post.. I’m relieved one of your reasons is not ‘I don’t like girls’, haha..This kinda finding gf thingy, kap mm lei one.. Better to just sun kei ci yin.. I believe there’s a match for everybody in this world, yours belum sampai lagi.. You percaya in fate? Or kuasa Tuhan? I do.. So just sun kei ci yin and very soon, your mum can carry her grandkids la..
    By the way, TM knows palm reading? Woohoo, TM read my palm please!

    • Oh, no worries. I DO like girls! 😀 😀

      I believe in fate, but I also believe that my fate already sampai, but I let it go away… Maybe there will be another fate, who knows..

  9. Is this a prelude to your Love Story book? I’m intrigued (and nosey) and wonder what that “incident” might be! 😀 😀 And there’s no reason why you need to explain to people why you don’t have a girlfriend. As long as you’re happy the way you are, that’s what matters. Anyway, I believe “good things come to those who wait”.

    On your sub-topic of “I’m fine being alone”…I can identify with that too. Ever since I started writing this blog (about food mainly), I too do not feel awkward anymore now if I’m eating alone (and mind you, I’m not a guy). I do that sometimes too when I need writing material for my blog (when friends and family are not available)…I could never do this previously (it’s like some new found independence…kekeke!). I would tuck myself in a quiet corner somewhere with my iPad in tow…I quite like these alone times…at times! 😉

    • The incident is not something happy…

      I agree that being comfortable alone is a good trait for blogging too. When you are alone, you won’t have to worry about being a bother to others when you snap a million photos of the same dish before digging in! 😀

  10. Hahaha your mom is just exactly like mine, and to make things worst, im the oldest, she’ll compare me to my mates, relatives, etc

    When asked why you havent marry yet? Lately i just answer it randomly, “because i want to be a pastor”, “but you never went to church anymore”, “well a monk then”
    “I want to be a mystic and meditate on mountains, i aint got time for this shit”
    “Im gay”
    “Im thinking about polygamy, but so far i have zero women who are interested, sp still no luck yet”

    Anyway i do share with your condition, which is too lazy and perfectly contempt with being alone, like john mayers song, perfectly lonely. Some people cant stand being alone, im not those people. Sometimes i missed being in a relationship, but i also remember when im in one(with you know who lol), there are times when i be like, “bollocks i have to pick her up when i can just playing fifa n get high” lol

    To end this ill add some zen wisdom lol, though i dont think you need it. “If you cant be happy when youre alone, then you cant be happy when youre in a relationship”

    Arsenal to win tonight.
    Cheers.

    • If I tell her I want to be a monk, she might accept it because she is a devout Buddhist! 😐

      LOL! I know who. And I know she’s hard work! LOL LOL!! 😀 😀

      • LOL me mom is a devout catholic but shes still not pleased, well maybe if i really apply to the church then shell be ok with it hahaha

        To say shes a hard work is an understatement, but i dont regret it, good experience i say, we are good friends still until now.

  11. Doesn’t mean you are good looking and handsome or pretty and gorgeous, you would be attached or married, I have friends who are not pretty but happily married, so I agree with TM, fate plays a part (and Buddhists we call this karma)

  12. Single or attached, as long as you are happy, it does not matter, doesn’t mean you have a girlfriend you would be happy, sometimes couple quarrel and fight, it is worst than being single, single has its advantages also, you don’t have to think how to please the other party and to keep reading the other party’s mind

    • That’s how it is isn’t it? When you are single, you envy those lovey dovey couples. But when you get into a relationship, you envy those who remain single.

  13. I don’t think you need help. You only need help if you really want a girlfriend but don’t know how to get one. After reading your post, that’s not your case. I agree that it is better to figure yourself out before getting into a relationship. Sometimes mourning takes a long time so by allowing yourself to mourn, you may be able to move on later without having baggage. Thank you for sharing. Like TM says, you are very honest with us. I can identify with your I am lazy part because I am too.

    • I think I got used to mourning that I am now always mourning without being able to switch it off. 😐

  14. I wanted to laugh and cry at this post. You are so frank, honest, funny and blunt. Hey are you writing this post for your mum who is your silent reader?? LOL
    I believe in fate for marriage. I could write many pages on this topic based on my pasts and my many school friends who are still single today. Some are fit and very handsome yet still unmarried but dating. So nothing to do with looks and sizes ok! Let me see your palm!!!

    • Definitely not for my mom. She most likely won’t read this (I hope), it is all words and English.

      Ah yes, fate, I believe in fate too, that’s one other reason that I should’ve written but did not. Oh well..

  15. Well, Sing sister is still young (will be 24 this June) and single, Momzilla looks for nice son in law……………… If you know what I mean
    Bean

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